Fear and Soap.

Behind the wedding planning, meeting my amazing almost-family, and cuddling my sweet Lucy puppy, I have moments of paralyzing fear.  They come in waves and usually spit words and phrases that are meant to hurt, belittle, and squash potential.  In the moment, fear has an incredibly powerful way of making me feel undeserving.  Like I am hiding something flawed about myself, that if known, would change the way people receive me.  Fear moments remind me of who I was, the sin that found its home in my actions and words and used those things to hurt and disappoint other people.

This morning, I had a paralyzing fear moment.  I took my ring off in the shower and placed it on the shower rack and suddenly thought, "What if Curtis isn't fully aware of who I am and all that he has chosen?"  This thought pattern continued for most of my morning.  It reminded me that him and I had only known each other for a year and a half and only dated for four months before getting engaged.  It reminded me that we've only known long distance and that he doesn't get to see me on a daily basis. 

Oh you know, the me that fights with the alarm and burrows in the covers for a good twenty more minutes.  The me that drinks way too much orange juice and decides to top it off with some fruit snacks, a finger of nutella, and a piece of toast, voilà! breakfast.  Or how about the me that is too lazy to spend my morning in devotions?  Or the me that sees a friend call and looks away because her alone time is just too precious to her.  Or the me that rolls her eyes and says ungrateful things when she sees that her schedule at work has changed?  Or the me that has no idea what she wants to do with her life.  No idea.  On a good day, I am merely a sloppy, selfish mess. 

And it scares me that there is a man that says he has chosen me.

Something I am in the process of learning is:  Perfect love casts out fear.

"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and matures in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love." 1 John 4:18.

I am so thankful that Curtis loves God more than he loves me.  It melts away my panic moments and redefines what I know of men.  It makes me want to love more boldly...without judgment.  Love in a way that brings life to people and constantly reminds them they are treasured and cared for.  My crazy insecurities have truth stomping on them.  Just when I think there is no way that Curtis knows what he is getting himself into, I get reminders, "...your insecurities are unfounded.  I know they may run deep, but I want to kill them.  You are everything I want."  "I adore you."  And it is in these moments that my fear moments meet God moments.

This marriage thing.  It could really do a work in me.